The quest for something
Daily essays as I'm seeking a new path
“I have found the Grail… The quest for the Grail is basically nothing else than the quest for the Self… It is yourself that you are longing for in everything.”
— Dom Henri Le Saux
I was a bit of a weird kid.
When I was 8, I carried around this little blue book of optical illusions everywhere. I was mesmerized by my mind’s blind spots — and how I could show a picture to my dad and he’d see one thing, and then show it to my grandpa and he’d see the opposite. I’d stay up late at night, under the covers with a flashlight, flipping through this book — playing with my own mind to see if I could uncover multiple images on the same page.
At that age, I felt starved for truth. I never understood why adults didn’t seem to want to talk about what was really going on here. You know, with simple things like: death, the nature of reality, emotions, the expanding universe, and why war is even a thing. Everyone always seemed too busy with work and to-do lists to talk about any of the stuff that seemed to matter.
Needless to say: I hid under those covers a lot, thinking about all kinds of crazy things like — what if someday the earth falls out of orbit? What the heck is eternity? What is the universe expanding into?
I’m a lot older now, and my open secret is that I could never really shut off the part of me that stayed up all night wondering about bizarre and big questions like those. I have also retained my same childhood frustration that we — as an entire human civilization — seem dead set on wasting our time on activities that don’t matter, and avoiding everything that does.
But now, I’m a fully-ish-formed adult. And to my own surprise, I’ve found myself conforming to “The World of Characters.” To survive in business: I have felt the need to suppress a lot of my natural inclinations, and just go along with “The Way Things Are.” I’ve felt stupid and “too sensitive” for getting hung up on simple statements like “hacking attention” or “daily active users” and what they really mean.
On the side, I’ve also managed to maintain a kind of “Secret Life” into adulthood — where my childhood quest for truth has become far more conscious. It started with personal development books, podcasts, and a foray into entrepreneurship — as it does for many people these days. It led to some breath work, free-hand writing, grief work, trauma release practices, meditation training, therapy, and psychedelics — as it does for anyone that lives in California. And has been interwoven with the study of numerous psychological, philosophical, and religious frames — as I try to make sense of the source of my questions.
I am still as enraptured by the mystery of my mind as I was when I was 8 years old, and still as frustrated with the adults insistence on overlooking the deeper material of life.
At least a decade deep in this side quest now, I can only say this: I have felt more lost than ever, more whole than ever, and more confident than ever that consciousness & the mind are the next great frontier of physics and science, and also starting point for the the next great human rights revolution. I firmly believe human consciousness is the most powerful technology we have access to, and we are collectively co-opting it for dumb, useless shit.
I believe all of this, and still I’ve felt so much fear in bringing this “Secret Life” into the light. Even after all this time, there’s some part of me that wonders if I’m just out of my mind.
But recently, I’ve been going through some changes and personal stuff, and it crossed my mind to just start openly writing about all of it, and everything that has helped me up until this point.
So I guess that’s what I’m doing now…
I sold my company at the beginning of this year, and immediately went full force into setting the foundation for a new one. A few weeks ago, I decided that wasn’t the right path for me right now.
For the first time in a long time: I no longer know where I’m headed. I’ve done some stuff in the creator world people think is interesting, and at this moment, I feel alienated by the entire industry. Which is leaving me at a real loss for what to do next.
On top of this, a few of my people are going through some of the gnarliest mental health stuff I’ve ever witnessed. And I can’t help but wonder if this industry is the cause, or at least an accelerant.
I see no logical reason to start writing any of this down, or sharing it in a way that makes me feel completely naked with friends and strangers on the internet. But that’s precisely what I plan to do.
Some part of me knows I need to let the blank page be my confessional for awhile.
I don’t know much of what I’ll write or if it’ll be any good, but if I stay the course — I’m sure I’ll share some weird stories, some unpopular opinions, and some honest thoughts that make me (and maybe you) extremely uncomfortable.
I’m calling this little project the “The Quest for Something” because in all honesty I’m not sure if I’m looking for a next career step as much as I am looking for “the experience of being alive” as Joseph Campbell might put it.
Because, as it turns out, reality is probably just one grand optical illusion. There’s the image you see when you first glance, and the images that reveal themselves when you stare hard enough. You can choose to operate based on what you see at first glance, or to lose your mind a little bit in the pursuit of discovering if anything is hidden in the spaces.
I’m 32 now, and I’m realizing for the first time, that 8 year old under the covers was right to obsess over those questions that adults thought were useless. I’ve just never been the type of person that can operate on the surface. So, I think, maybe it’s time to give that kid the mic, step aside, and try not to feel so embarrassed.